Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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