"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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