I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you never un-have a 4some
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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