she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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