Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
