Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
