FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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