In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
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His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
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