i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
