Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
