what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
