He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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