i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize