it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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