yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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