this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
