I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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