First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
