Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
