I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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