drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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