I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
