first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
