oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
