6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
