she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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