Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
