cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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