If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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