textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
