She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
