i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
