I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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