The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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