Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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