The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
