I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
