this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
