You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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