I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize