He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.