Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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