If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I met the friendliest cop last night
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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