fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
