I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
