if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
