Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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