I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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