The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I wish there were birth control emojis
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
