i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
