just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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