Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
