swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
