Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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