ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
