its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
