So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He shit in the fireplace
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
