Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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