just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
NoShamevember. You game?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
