Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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